The Brainwashed Male

About 100 years ago, scientists made a breakthrough in the area of pre-natal research by discovering something called the "Y" chromosome. What is so special about this one chromosome? Theoretically speaking, all babies conceived in the womb are female - at least in a very rudimentary DNA sense of the word. But somewhere within the seventh week of pregnancy, two very phenomenal things take place in about half of these developing miracles of nature. Some fetuses carry a particular gene on the Y chromosome. If this gene is present, it will activate and cause the bipotential gonads to become testes. In addition, it will also trigger a chemical wash over the brain of the fetus, causing the right side of the brain to recede. These two events are what make a fetus develop in the womb as a boy, and it is for this reason I am thoroughly convinced that men are biologically brain washed.

What makes men act the way they do? Could it be that one single gene and chromosome could cause so much trouble throughout history in regards to the battle of the sexes? If that's not enough to make even the hardest skeptic wince, might I add that the Y chromosome only carries a meager 25 genes, as compared to a remarkable 1000 to 1500 genes carried by the female "X" chromosome? How on earth does one single chromosome account for the so-called "dominant" gender in our world? Certainly, there must be something more to male behavior than one puny chromosome. For the answer to this question, perhaps we should ponder the effects of something else unique to the male species - testosterone.

Testosterone is a wonderful thing for men. It gives them mass, muscle, and facial hair. It makes them strong and virile. While it's true that both genders produce testosterone, this miracle hormone behaves differently in females than it does in males, and is produced primarily from different parts of the anatomy. Men produce much of their testosterone from that place unique to men, brought about from the puny and mysterious Y chromosome already mentioned. So now we have a brain washed, right brain receded male with testosterone continuously coursing through his body from his lower regions. So why do men act the way they do? The truth is, they can't help it.... that's just the way they are!

Take, for instance, the average young man's idea of nirvana - motor vehicles. As a woman, it never ceases to amaze me how something like a big shiny truck can turn an otherwise mild-mannered man into a rambunctious he-man. Here's the scenario: I'm driving down the highway on a bright sunny Friday afternoon. I casually glance into my rearview mirror, only to find I'm having flashbacks of the 1971 Steven Spielberg movie "Duel" running through my mind. For those unfamiliar with the movie, it stars Dennis Weaver as this poor sop in a station wagon being stalked by a crazed semi driver, who repeatedly tries to run him down on a deserted highway. After watching my life flash briefly before my eyes and thanking my lucky stars my rearview mirror doesn't have that phrase "objects are closer than they appear" on it, I decide to get over to the right lane. After all, I'm only going 85 mph and this guy needs plenty of room to pass. As I ponder in my mind why on earth this guy is trying to take my life (an old boyfriend perhaps), I glance over as he whizzes by, only to find he's smiling at me! If I were an unlearned female, this would appear to be erratic behavior. But since I know something about the male's relationship with his motor vehicle, I remind myself that it is normal. He wasn't trying to kill me after all. He was merely trying to impress me with his manly metal machine. Lesson #1: big truck equals macho man. The truck may be shiny and new, or it may be an old rust bucket. It doesn't matter. It's big, it's loud, and it begs for attention! He wanted me to notice him driving it, and what better way than to pull up so close to my bumper he can read the stickers on my front windshield!

Sometimes, as a woman, I have to remind myself that men were born with this innate desire to be first. Whether it's first to get to the exit on the highway, first to try the new garbage disposal (by pouring wood chips into the sink), or the first to finish the roll of toilet paper, it all comes down to that "survival of the fittest" thing inherited from ages past. Perhaps it's because Adam was created before Eve. "Me man, me need to be first." My mother seems to understand this concept very well. After all, they've been married for almost fifty years, so she's bound to learn something about men in that length of time. For example, when it comes to the newspaper, many times she has allowed my father to read it first. Why shouldn't she? After all, yesterday's sports scores aren't going to change, and "Cathy" will still be waiting for her when he's finished. Besides, while he's grumbling about how he could run the country better than the current administration, she can use that time to browse the department store advertisements and ponder how many pairs of shoes she can buy to go with that new outfit. In Dad's opinion, the sales ads aren't part of the newspaper anyway, so he never misses them. Once he tosses the paper down and goes outside to perform more important tasks (such as trying out the new riding lawnmower), she is then free to read the entire newspaper from front to back, quietly, and to her heart's content! Everyone's happy, no one's angry, and in the process my dad got to be first.

There are exceptions to the "me first" syndrome when it comes to men, however. For instance, let's look at the infamous family task of answering the telephone. Who answers the phone when it rings? In the case of my parents, my father has yet to fall prey to the whole cell phone attraction that has taken hold of the modern man. In other words, if there's someone else to answer that blasted thing, he steers clear of it. That "someone else" usually ends up being my mother. Her location in the house is not an issue. The telephone is her responsibility, even if the phone call is for him. If you confront him about it, he usually comes up with one of two major reasons as to why he will not or cannot answer the telephone. Either he's too busy to answer, or he didn't hear it in the first place. This brings me to another male phenomenon - selective hearing.

Selective hearing is a mystery to most women. When the male fetus got that chemical bath to the brain in the womb, I believe it created something akin to a sixth sense in males. This uniquely male phenomenon leaves me not only mesmerized at times, but also somewhat envious. You see, women hear everything - whether we want to or not. More so, even if we didn't hear it, our female brains process the information in such a way that we either convince ourselves we heard it, or come to the conclusion that what we did hear meant something different. Call it what you will - a female sixth sense, or blame it on the more genetically complex X chromosome - but we are intuitive creatures. Furthermore, the gift of intuitive hearing we women possess doesn't necessarily involve the actual hearing organ of the ear. Deaf women as well as hearing are both blessed with this ability. It's almost a spiritual thing. Men are different, however. Somehow, some way, they have the unique ability to only hear what they want to hear. In other words, somewhere between the ear canal and the male brain, there's a filtering mechanism that doesn't admit anything that the male doesn't want to deal with. If the man happens to be deaf, he is even more fortunate because his filtering mechanism works perfectly. In many cases, when the woman's intuitive hearing confronts the man's selective hearing, the result can sometimes be confusion between the sexes. Arguments erupt, all because of this breakdown in communication stemming from differences in how the male and female brain processes information.

Breakthroughs in communications technology have changed our world in myriads of ways, from cell phones to the Internet to text messaging. In my parents' generation, a sure fire way to know how serious a man was with a woman was by how long she could keep him on the telephone. To the male in times past, it just didn't make sense to spend more than a couple minutes talking to someone you couldn't see. After all, you could be doing more important things, like tinkering with your car or bumming with your buddies. My, how times have changed! Everywhere I go these days, men are carrying them proudly: cell phones, beepers, pagers, and every other kind of communication device they can fit in their pockets, briefcases, or on their belts. But the question remains: what are they doing with them? Could it be that after thousands of years the male gender has finally answered the female call of "We need to talk"? Are we expecting too much too soon? After all, it's been less than fifty years since most of these technological advances were invented. After performing my own not so scientific evaluation of these men and their toys, I have come to my own conclusion in the matter. My theory states that the main reason men carry these devices are not because they're useful; they carry them because they make the average man "look cool".

Electronic devices are the ideal attraction for the male psyche. Just look at them. They have buttons, make sounds, and can be taken apart and put back together again. In the case of the cell phone, it's all about the male attitude and ego. If you hold it to your ear just right and bark orders on that thing, you look important and sophisticated. It doesn't make any difference if you're talking to your two year old, time and temperature, or dead air. Heck, you don't even have to have it turned on! When these devices first came out, the only men you saw using them looked like they just stepped out of an ad for Armani. Now anyone with a few bucks in their pocket can afford one. It's a cost efficient way for a man to look powerful, suave, and sophisticated, all at the same time.

I think sometimes women have a hard time understanding the male ego because of the differences in how boys and girls are raised. Little boys grow up to be self-confident men because they grow up identifying with superheroes. Little girls, on the other hand, grow up to have a bad self-image because they grow up identifying with Barbie. Men are not without their insecurities, however. Because little boys are brought up with this superhero mentality, it becomes extremely difficult for the man to admit he doesn't always have his act together. He is taught that to admit weakness means to admit failure. I believe the whole key to the male psyche has to do with keeping up appearances, which can become a real burden for the man to bear. These insecurities manifest themselves in many different ways, including the male obsession with the loud and boisterous.

Where there are large groups of men, you are almost sure to find lots of noise, ranging from loud music to loud motors. Even when it comes to things such as bodily functions, some men have the mindset of "the louder, the better" and seem to think of it as a sort of competition. Sometimes I think that's why men are at times embarrassed to watch sports with females. After all, you can't just lay back and let it all hang out when women are in the room. Besides, it's no fun to attempt to have a burping contest with someone who thinks you were born in a barn.

Speaking of sporting events, guys tend to take their sports more seriously than females. For instance, they like to yell things at the television set, such as how the coach should play the next move or how ugly that player's mother is. Don't get me wrong; I'm not saying the woman shouldn't join her man in the living room to watch a game of "Monday Night Football" if she is so inclined. As a matter of fact, there are a lot of women out there that love sports as much as any man! There are women who could tell you every statistic, rule, and score you can think of. Some women make hobbies of baseball card collecting and probably have their very own signed Wayne Gretzky hockey stick hanging from the wall. So why are so many men intimidated by a woman that shows the same passion for sports as he does? I believe that deep down the average man is actually proud that gal of his knows so much about the game. But the fact that he is male forbids him from carrying on like he does. In front of his buddies, he will rarely acknowledge it. Why? Perhaps he feels his manliness is threatened, or maybe he's just worried the guys will harass him. The point is this: sports involve competition. While the average man wants to know his woman can hold her own with a group of his male buddies, he doesn't dare to think she can take him on in any given day.

Insecurities also often drive men to perform dangerous tasks in order to appear more masculine. For instance, many more men will attempt bungee jumping than women. When you ask a woman to do something totally nonsensical and dangerous such as this, she will usually reply with something like "I gave birth to three children; I don't need any more danger!" However, the male will reply with "Bring it on!" Why do you think it is that men will not cook in the kitchen, yet will run at the chance to grill steaks on a barbeque grill, armed with flammable liquid and matches during a high wind? It's not because they like to cook; it's because danger is involved. If you want a man to do something for you, you only have to convince him that there is a certain health risk involved in doing it. Be assured, the task will either get done or he will injure himself in trying!

You see, men have this driving need to show you they are brave. What I cannot understand, however, is if they are brave enough to go to war, why do they cringe at the idea of a bikini wax? If a male watches you pluck your eyebrows, he will wince in pain. Yet that same male will go out and break his nose in a boxing match. Men will also try to convince women that childbirth doesn't feel as bad as, say, getting a vasectomy done. Pain must feel different in males than it does in females.

Men do feel emotional pain, however, and aren't the insensitive cretins we females think them to be. The confusion lies in the fact that men show their sensitivity in different ways. For example, a man won't think twice to tell you if that dress makes you look fat, so why do you even ask? Yet if he goes to the trouble of preparing a romantic evening with his ladylove, he will take it personally if the last log in the fireplace doesn't burn. Just because we seldom see men cry does not mean that they were born without tear ducts. For proof of this, rent "Old Yeller" sometime and watch as he reaches for the light switch. It's not so much that he is trying to be romantic, but rather that he doesn't want you to see him crying when the dog has to be put down at the end of the film. Men can at times be just as emotional as women, but a combination of ego, culture, and testosterone prevents them from expressing it as easily and openly.

Men get offended too, but not at the same things women do. That's because men and women prioritize their lives differently. For example, when it comes to packing clothing for a trip, women see it as a religious experience. We make lists, compare, place entire outfits on the bed one at a time, and end up bringing half the closet. On the other hand, men can pack for a two-week vacation, be ready to leave in fifteen minutes, and only use one suitcase. To the man's point of view, clothing is necessary but can be cumbersome. As a matter of fact, if you ask the average man what he prefers, he will probably tell you "the less, the better" - not only for themselves, but for the woman as well. Only on rare occasions will you see a man leave a party or become embarrassed if another man is wearing the same suit. As a matter of fact, they will most likely become buddies as a result! If, however, you cross the line by comparing them sexually, you can be sure to get the silent treatment for the rest of the evening.

In conclusion, let me state that men are marvelous, complex, and mysterious creatures. We women like to act as if we don't need them, yet without them our lives would be incomplete. The masculine psyche brings a balance to the feminine psyche, just as the feminine balances out the masculine. They are two sides of a circle; one cannot be complete without the other. As the battle of the sexes wages on, despite our differences, we somehow always seem to make it work; and I have a sneaking suspicion that truth will continue as long as the human race populates this earth.